This Just In:
Breaking news out of Hollywood today, where sources confirmed that Tom Cruise is, undeniably, a woman.
Rumors began circulating last year when Tom was spotted alone at Dr. Gloria Bender's office, a well-known gynecologist to the stars. Followed then by a sighting of Cruise alone again in aisle seven of Whole Foods, opening packages of maxi pads. Cruise was escorted out of the store after he reportedly put a few of the sanitary napkins in his coat pocket.
The rumors were confirmed this morning as Cruise was sitting poolside at the Hotel Bel-Air, a favorite to the star. Cruise, reading the morning paper took notice of a crowd of fans gazing his way as he sipped his beverage. As one got up and headed in his direction, Cruise seeming uncomfortable, stood up quickly in an attempt to walk away. As he did so his towel shifted, revealing his vagina.
Said eyewitness, Timothy Peterson 18, a visiting Quaker from Toledo, Ohio, "I wasn't sure what I was looking at at first. Could have been Suri's toy monkey, or a well-shaved dust mop. Not sure why either would have been hiding there though. But then it hit me, and I knew I'd seen one of those before. Last year when my Aunt Edna slipped on ice while getting the morning paper."
Said another witness, "It was frightening. And, it was shiny. Sort of. It all happened so fast. We just stood there pointing and staring while Tom fumbled around before finally running into the back entrance of the hotel."
Cruise has been reported saying, "This is preposterous. It's simply just, well, just preposterous." He then spelled p.r.e.p.o.s.t.e.r.o.u.s. Then he gave that big fucking cheesy grin as a teared rolled from her eyes.
Katie Holmes has not yet returned any inquiries. And reps and sources close to the star refused to comment. We did, however, get a statement from ex-wife Nicole Kidman, who went, "Ewww!", when we questioned her knowledge of this recent discovery.
New information continues to unfold in this story. And as "preposterous" as this all seems, it explains the bizarre affinity between Tom and long-time admirer, Rosie O'Donnell, who was overheard saying, enthusiastically, "Reeeaally??", when the news broke. And Rosie O'Donnell, as no surpise to anyone, has a big hairy ass...