Thursday, March 4, 2010

Why Can't People Leave Me Alone at the Dog Park?

Dear __________________:
When I go to the dog park a few blocks from my house, ___________, I don't want to be bothered, okay; at least not by people anyway.
I mean, don't you know that it is a DOG park and not a people making friends park or a sell me your latest product park or a blow my alcohol-infested breathe at 2PM on you park? Really.
I mean, I am not against friendliness and stuff, _______________, but why is it that you don't realize that before I go to the dog park, I don't wash my face, brush my teeth or even put on underwear? I actually look my worst so that I DON'T have to hang with you and hear your deepest secrets while my dog is taking a piss on your shoe.

Don't get me wrong, ______________________, I love it when you waive at me from across the park or allow my 12lb dog to share a ball with your 198 lb dog, because you know she will never catch it anyway; yeah, real friendly, ________________. But I DON'T, and I really meant this; want to be part of the afternoon "click" at the park that talks about their dogs as though in refinement school (I mean, I KNOW my dog is a person, I don't need to groom her because she is gonna be ghetto anyway) or about their latest agility feats. My dog is ghetto, and I don't need to hear it.

Don't you know, ____________, that parents of sub-standard children don't want to hear about your retriever going to Harvard or your Pit Bull being chosen for one of those prison rehabilitation programs. Really, we don't. That just makes us hate you. And besides, this kind of parent talk and forced friendliness and need to rub shoulders with the other parents is the reason I don't have children...

Well, at least one of the reasons.

4 comments:

Chrissy Costa said...

I want to put a "my dog goes to private school" sticker on your imaginary car.

I feel your pain. My dog is beyond ghetto. She embarrasses me more than my mom does when she thinks she's whispering, "chris, did you change your pad?". Long story. Anyway, my dog has caused my insane neighbor to take me to court because he hears her barking when she's not even in the building. And guess who the judge is? My dad. Yep. Ghetto. F those people. F 'em all & their perfect little pooches...

Blythe Landry said...

chrissy are you serious or is this another one of those "hallucination" stories you have sometimes?

Chrissy Costa said...

100% serious. i promise.

and i did walk into a tree yesterday. i was walking my ghetto dog. 100% true.

Blythe Landry said...

I plead the fifth...