Monday, October 26, 2009

Work Romances: Matches Made in Bathrooms

It is official. There are AT LEAST three people in the building where I work stalking me.

How do I know this? Because they ALWAYS happen to be in the bathroom the same time as me.

Either that, or they use to have the nickname "pee-nut" in highschool too....true story.

What is it with anonymous bathroom encounters with people that you don't work with "directly" but who always happen to be there at the same time as you....or is it just me?

I mean, these are people you would NEVER socialize with in the "outside world," and, yet, they seem to be face-to-face with you morning, noon and night at one of the most intimate times in your life.

And if life were fair, these people would be kind of like "anonymous sex" friends and you wouldn't have to even say hello to them, but no such luck. At least not in my unfair bathroom world.

You have to pretend to care and to know little tidbits about their lives, when all you really want to do is, as my dog would say (or is that as I would say to my dog?), "go potty" in peace and quiet.

For credibility sake, I'll give you an example.

I am in the social work department, so, generally, I just don't interact with people in, say, finance (this might shock you, but, we, as a rule in social work, just aren't that concerned about money). But, OF COURSE, one of my bathroom "friends" is this lovely woman in finance who just had to go ahead and ruin my whole, say "year" by getting pregnant.

First of all, now beautiful (and skinny) pregnant lady not only knows that my bladder is as small as a woman in, say, her 8th or 9th month of pregnancy, but I also have to ask her questions about her upcoming motherhood and belly and stuff because she seems to always decide to wash her hands at the same time as me.

You might say, "Well, then just don't wash your hands, Blythe," I mean the proverbial you have done that right...well, before you think you are sooo smart in solving my problem, I'll tell you that currently, the pee and run strategy isn't an option, because we have an outbreak of the Swine Flu on our floor (which, come to think of it may be easier to contend with...).

And it isn't just cute pregnant women either, it is the older adult woman who probably has to pee that much for medical reasons, and I am riiiight there next to her...in all my urinating glory.

Urg.

Come to think of it, though; I mean, now that I have gotten my feelings out and stuff, I could turn this into a positive. I mean, after all, when my boss is waiting outside of the bathroom to talk to me about something (true story), I could have the excuse that I was holding a joint baby and retirment reception for my pee party colleagues.

Enough work for today.

Off to pee.

9 comments:

L Diddy said...

Blythe, you are SPOT ON! Peeing is such a personal thing and everyone should know that you must provide adequate space and distance for any bathroom activity.

I swear this one woman I worked with would set her watch to my...ummmm....pee schedule.

Here's the story: I began to get suspicious after about 5 months of anonymously receiving a 33 OZ bottle of Evian water bottle on my desk, like clockwork, three times a day (Hey, I'm QUICK like that) so....I changed my (pee)schedule. Well, actually, I kept it the same...but started using the mens rest room during the slow period. One of my many talents is that I can pee standing up, but I digress...

After about a week of solo bathroom breaks, my former "bathroom friend" confronted me one afternoon in the employee parking lot; she started firing one question after another at me:

Did you get your bottled water I left you?

Did I do something wrong?

Are you peeing with someone else?

When I replied no,I just like my PPS (personal potty space) she asked if this meant we had broken up. Well I had NO clue we were "an item"--I thought she just had a crazy fetish and to be honest, I am a little shy about the whole water sports thing.
I'm not gonna lie, she started making my work life very difficult.

Just to get her off my back---I succumbed to sneaking the water bottle into the ladies room with me to, ummmmmm fake it. I've always felt guilty for simulating the sound of me urinating simply for her pleasure. I've felt dirty about this I(and not in that "good dirty" kinda way)and I would like to disclaim to any ladies reading---I NEVER fake anything : )

Once I even took in TWO water bottles (it was her birthday). I swear I heard her gasping from the next stall...

This all happened during a brief sojourn in the marketing department at an Indoor Water Park--I've always wondered if she thought that was a euphemism for something else. Hmmmmm.....

Blythe Landry said...

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

KC said...

so next time maybe start making grunty noises and drop big pieces of fruit in the bowl and come out of the stall with TP attached to your pants. Then you could start talking about all the Activia you've been eating and ask if she could help you unclog the toilet!

Chrissy Costa said...
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Chrissy Costa said...

I'd like to start off by saying I'm sorry for awaiting your presence in the bathroom everyday, Blythe. "I'm sorry." It's not what you think. I just really like the way you tear each square of that one-ply toilet tissue, one by one, until you have enough cushion to house a small bird family. And when you lift your leg to flush with your dress boots i can't even stand it. i stop breathing and my knees get weak. wait, what? oh, i'm sorry, perhaps i misread your post-it notes to me. you remember the ones..."Costa, grab your big head and meet me in the bathroom." ya, i must have misunderstood. well, you don't have to worry anymore. i've been put on probation and advised to use the men's room in Panera, 3 blocks north. thanks, buddy. i'll see you in "our spot" another time. give me like 90 days...

yvonne said...
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Blythe Landry said...

Chrissy...what boots are you talking about? I mean, I have regressed to STRAIGHT merrils..no pun intended, of course...

Blythe Landry said...

sorry I deleted that comment guys..I accidentally wrote my comment under another person's name..I was not dissing anyone:)

Chrissy Costa said...

you're so coy, Blythe. you know the "ones"...