Saturday, October 24, 2009

This Place, These People, All Testin' My Buddhism...

I don't understand why my neighbor gets so upset when somebody uses "his" cart. It clearly says Family Dollar on the handlebar...

Will I always live in a ghetto?

Monday 7:00 a.m. - Well dressed man with two gay poodles exit the main door. Poodles piss all over the front of the door. Two seconds later they all re-enter the buliding as I stare at the huge pee stain. Really? Did that just happen? He says, "Hi". I think, "Why the f didn't he walk 4 feet away to the tree?"

Monday 9 p.m. - man uses neighbor's car as a porno mag. as a friend watches in disbelief. I mean, I like a nice luxury car too, but do you see me making love to myself in public behind one? No. No you don't. Why? Because I don't have a penis. And that was a good call on the Universe's part. Man proceeds to make a face and run. He was holding a Giant Eagle bag.

Tuesday 6:30 p.m. - I'm talking to a friend. "Bang." Me: "Was that a gunshot?" Her: "Maybe." I just finished my scone anyway. All in a day...

Thursday 2:45 p.m. - same masturbator stands behind friend's car in broad daylight and pees. I have to give him a little credit for not peeing on our building door. Proves he's a little smarter than a poodle. Just a smidge. I look at him and he looks back. Same twisted face. Then he runs. He's holding a Giant Eagle bag.

Last Week - Something or someone; presumably a dog, shat all over the second floor of my building. We, the tenants, did our part to ignore it by stepping over the mess. All except for one of us. That one of us, who, wrote a big nasty letter to the owner of the presumed culprit, or the culprit her or himself, and put it on the pile of shat. It was quite a lovely letter. In fact, I'd like to send the writer of that/those letters a dictionary so next time they write a letter (letters) on construction paper they'll actually use the correct words. Fun.

Am I judgemental? A little. Do I wanna be? Not really. Is it hard not to be living in this shathole? Yes. Do I think I'm better than this? On Tuesdays. No matter where I move, no matter the city, I always end up in the same type of area. Ghetto. I guess I'm used to it. In fact, I'm driving around looking for wireless signal so I can finish this blog. Ya. Maybe I do belong here. But then again, maybe I just upgraded from CricKet to Sprint. Booya!...

9 comments:

Blythe Landry said...

First of all, there is a whoooole lot more sex going on in your neighborhood than mine...publicly speaking, that is..bud ump bump..
and, these little complaints about dog poop and piss in your "general vicinity" may just be another reason for you to feel sorry for yourself, Costa, for being to0 short to look over the mess....::)
I mean, if you want ghetto, I can give it to you..I mean, and that would be without even roaming out into my neighborhood..
for instance, try that my dog urinates on the bed an average of three to four times..oh, say a minute.
Or that she bit a man today, and, of course, as usual, it had to be a person of color AND a blue collar worker. She is definitely racist and classist, depsite my attempts to rhear her according to every Ann Landers column ever written.
Rah Rah Ann.
And, the fact that even though we live on the 2nd floor, for some reason there are safety bars on our windows, which means that we MUST have some kind acrogymnastics gang living in the area...which, now that I think of it, may account for the joint ambulance/Cirque de Soleil cars that we hear roaming our area at about 3 AM every morning..which is, of course, one of the many times per evening we get woken up by Sam, Cujo in a very adorable body (Cujo in a racist, classist, sort of way, that is).
And, so there you have it.
I mean, why did you even attempt to be Buddhist. If you want to have more patience, Costa and fix your judgementalness, just come sleep on my sofa again (the one that is too long for you, but so short for the average sized person that you would have to saw their legs off) and stare at all the self help books in my condo that are opened about 6.5 times per year.
And, um, perhaps, stop COMPLAINING about all the sex in your hood and, um, start taking a lesson or two.. now THAT, my friend, is what you call turning a lemon into lemonade!

Carmella said...

I enjoyed this. looking forward to reading more.

Chrissy Costa said...

First, I love that we have a follower. Hi Carmella! Second, no you did not insult my height, twice. I actually am too big for your mini sofa. Some people would call that a chair. I'm as tall as Prince. All i'm saying is have you seen how much ----- he's gotten over the years? Not that I wanna be Prince, but come on. As for Sammy, I been sayin that child needs therapy. Perhaps she should come hang out in my neighborhood a while. Oh, and my neighborhood smells like an ass factory.

Blythe Landry said...

Prince is pretty hot, Costa. I mean, all 1.5 inches of him.
I mean, imagine the play you'd get in that sort of "setting?"
In any case, I'll give you the therapy thing.
I mean, they always says that kids of therapists are the most screwed up. Perhaps, however, Sam's problem lies in the fact that I am calling her "kid" instead of dog.
Do you think she is having a trans..indentity crisis?

Blythe Landry said...

um, and we love you carmen..I mean..I don't think either of us even know you.
And THAT is a compliment. After all, the only other follow is me and two shadows of me:)
thanks, girl!!!!

Blythe Landry said...

Carmella, I mean...:) I never said I was smart...
thank you thank you thank you.

Jett said...

You are both piss funny...not trying to take away anthing from the guy in the hood...although I do have a giant eagle bag...hmmmm

Blythe Landry said...

OmG Jett...thanks sooo much:)
hope you will keep on playing with us:)

Anonymous said...

Are you sure you don't want to,like, just cook all the recipes in Julia Child's French cookbook, blog about that and make a movie out of it?